Yes, St. Patrick’s Day is here once again, or as some have dubbed it, the “Celebration of Questionable Irish Heritage.” Like many other alcohol-related “holidays,” St. Patrick’s Day is generally marked by an embarrassing display of piss poor behavior and drunken antics typically reserved for university students and Australians.
By all means, dress up in green, have a pint (or seven) of Guinness and go watch that Pogues cover band that only plays one show a year. But don’t be that asshole. You know the one.
If you don’t, then here’s some handy advice on what not to do this St. Patrick’s Day.
Don’t claim dubious Irish ancestry
Just like the other 95% of Canadians who claim Irish ancestry, you’re not Irish. Doesn’t matter what 23AndMe.com said. Just because your great-great-grandmother was born in Tipperary, doesn’t mean that you are Irish—it means your great-great-grandmother was Irish. You know who’s Irish? People who were born, raised and/or currently live in Ireland, and a lot of them are sick of your bullshit. You don’t need to be Irish to enjoy St. Patrick’s Day, anyways. So check your passport, bud. You’re Canadian, just like the rest of us.
Don’t drink green beer
Why? Why would you do this? Why would you ruin a perfectly good beer by adding green food colouring to it? If you want to drink like an Irish person, order a Guinness (or a locally-made dry Irish stout, like Persephone’s or Ravens Brewing’s). Don’t like stout? Get a Harp’s or a Kilkenny (or, if you can find it, Crannóg Ales’ Gael’s Blood, an Irish red ale brewed with potatoes). But green food dye? Your great-great-grandmother would be ashamed.
Don’t visit an “Irish Pub”
Is there anywhere more obnoxious than an “Irish” pub on St. Patrick’s Day? They tend to crank it up to what I call “Maximum Boston” for the day, and it can be a bit much, to be honest. But hey, if you want to wait in line for 45 minutes for a plastic cup of warm green beer, knock yourself out.
Don’t overdo it
Yes, it’s fun to tie one one and get festive and all that. But you know what isn’t fun? Trying to get green vomit stains out of your favourite shirt. Especially if it’s not even your vomit. In keeping with the theme of the day, have a hearty Irish stew or shepherd’s pie before you head out on the piss.
Don’t be a feckin’ gobshite
You might think that the unironic “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” T-shirt is hilarious, but it’s not. Same with the constant potato jokes (seriously, more than a million people died in the potato famine, cut that shit out). And for the love of Henry Shefflin, it’s St. Paddy’s Day, not St. Patty’s Day. I don’t know who Patty is, but I’m sure she’s lovely.