What do you get the beer lover in your life for Christmas, besides a gym membership? Thankfully, the dark, lonely recesses of the Internet offer plenty of sudsy options — from questionable drinking devices and hoppy fashions, to clever koozie technology and an assortment of beer-themed Canucks paraphernalia for deadening the pain.
Dad Bag
The ironic fetishization of “dad bod” has been arguably the greatest thing to happen to male craft beer drinkers since double chin-hiding beards and bald spot-concealing baseball hats. The Dad Bag goes one step further by reclaiming the long-mocked utilitarian glory of fanny packs combined with the illusion of having a beer gut. What if you already have said beer gut? Then you’re just twice as sexy. $15.99 at TheDadBag.com
Canucks Authentic Game Used Bottle Openers
More expensive than a lower bowl seat at Rogers Arena, these official NHL endorsed bottle openers are crafted from authentic hockey pucks that slipped past Jacob Markstrom and pieces of broken hockey sticks from many a whiffed slap shot. Failure never tasted so refreshing. $95 at NHLShop.ca
Canucks Hockey Sweater Koozie
If you ask me, a beer bottle adorned with a knitted beer koozie looks a lot like an uncircumcised penis, even though as a child of the ’70s I have not seen very many of them. That said, this koozie features insulated neoprene, “unique knit construction” and can expand to fit most cans and bottles up to two litres, so you can enjoy that chilled bottle of Rock-a-Berry cooler all night long. $9.99 at NHLShop.ca
Beer Cap Map
Who doesn’t enjoy geographically documenting the extent of their alcoholism? This stylized piece of plywood lets you map out your drinking adventures south of the border one bottle cap at a time. Prefer to keep track of your mead-drinking exploits? That’s what the notches on your broad sword are for whenever you go out LARPing. $43.70 at UncommonGoods.com
Bottle Loft
Not to be confused with the half-million-dollar Mount Pleasant “micro-condo” you just saddled yourself with to enjoy “craft living” at its finest, Bottle Loft is a set of magnetic strips you attach to the roof of your fridge and hang bottles from. Why? Because with the size of your ridiculous mortgage payments this is the closest thing to entertainment you’ll be able to afford. $47.44 at UncommonGoods.com
Beer Dress and Leggings
82 per cent polyester, 18 per cent elastane and 100 per cent inappropriate for your mom to wear, these Australian-made garments are not only barley positive but strangely alluring. Plus you can finally haul out you long-awaited pick-up line, “What’s your IBU?” Currently sold out at BlackMilkClothing.com
Thirst Bat
Billed as an “iconic baseball bat and beer bong in one,” the unfortunately named ThirstBat Chugger is built to play ball while conveniently designed to speed up the consumption of delicious beer. Why not a ThirstRacquet Chugger for the tennis crowd or a ThirstJavelin Chugger for high school track and field teams? Well, that would be ridiculous. $44.99 at ThirstBat.com
Shakoolie Shower Beer Koozie
If there is anything more life-affirming than drinking in the shower, I’ve yet to experience or remember it. That said, safe and convenient beverage storage has long remained the downside of such noble shower pursuits. Thankfully, the makers of Shakoolie Shower Beer Koozie have solved one of humankind’s great conundrums with this personal hygiene-minded drinking companion. But why they didn’t combine beer koozie and soap on a rope technology is beyond me. Such a missed opportunity. $9.97 at Shakoolie.com
Floating Birthday Candle to Make Your Beer A Cake
Heavy is the head that wears the crown, especially when drinking a beer alone in gravy-stained sweatpants on your birthday. But don’t get stuck in your “emotional dojo.” Throw yourself a party of one with this floating candle, perfectly sized for that beer mug, stein or gallon jug. Yes, you can have it all. $5.99 at PerpetualKid.com
